“Newness” Anxiety
By Maddy Clark, a clinical social worker and the Director of Parent Programs at Small Brooklyn
Congratulations, parents! You made it to August! For many in the city, this means that we are
halfway through the summer. And – halfway to the start of a new school year! Starting a new
school can pose some challenges for children and parents, but there is also so much to look
forward to.
“Newness” Anxiety
As parents, we are driven by our children’s joy, comfort, and confidence as they grow. We like
to see our children succeed! We like to see them happy and smiling! And so, we may become
anxious when something might threaten that happy equilibrium – a new school, a new teacher,
a new group of classmates. We might worry that all of that “newness” could cause our children
to be uncomfortable, worried, or uncertain. Remember: sometimes this is more uncomfortable
for the parents than for the children! Oftentimes, in an effort to avoid our own discomfort and
our children’s, we end up accommodating the anxiety and accidentally increasing cycles of
anxiety and avoidance. Anxiety loves making us avoid: and avoidance can make us more
anxious! That cycle can look like talking too much about the newness or anxiety, exacerbating
fears around newness. If we want our children to tolerate the fear and distress about a new
school year, we need to be able to tolerate our OWN fears and distress! If we respond to their
big feelings like an emergency, it starts to feel like an emergency for everyone involved. We
want to acknowledge their feelings, but also know when to stop. Giving the big, scary feelings
lots of attention can help those big, scary feelings thrive and grow. Change is normal and is
going to happen often in their lives! We will try to treat it as commonplace so that it doesn’t
reach emergency level. We can remind ourselves – and our kids – that we can handle big
changes. Some level of reassurance is appropriate: “I’m sure we will figure it out,” for example,
does not promise zero distress, but also lets kids know that no matter what, they will be able to
persevere with your help.
What We Can Prepare
It can be a delicate balance to make sure we are appropriately preparing kids (and ourselves!)
for a new school year without over preparing for all the upcoming changes. We can tell our
kids, “There are a few things we know already about the new school year! And some things we
don’t know yet. It can be hard to not know things. Let’s talk about the things we are excited
about.” Some ideas are:
What the school looks like
How you are going to travel there
Who the teacher will be (once the class assignments are sent out)
What the general school day routine might look like
It can also be helpful to focus on things that are within your child’s control and might help add
positivity and excitement about the new experience. Maybe they can pick out a new backpack,
lunchbox, or pair of shoes. They could draw a picture or write a note to their new teacher about
their favorite parts of their prior school year. You could even consider a new haircut!
Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable
As much as we’d like to prepare kids, there are always going to be unknowns. And no one’s
anxiety likes uncertainty! It can be uncomfortable and even scary. You can start by labeling and
reinforcing times when your children might be tolerating uncertainty or distress when the stakes
are low. “Wow, it’s really frustrating when we can’t figure out where the puzzle pieces go. You’re
doing such a good job handling that!” “I wasn’t sure if they would have the book we wanted at
the library, you were so brave on the walk over!” “Thank you for staying so calm when your
friend’s mom said they couldn’t join us for dinner.” It’s important to remember: “handling it”
doesn’t mean that they’re always going to be the picture of calm, and take a deep breath, and
peacefully and happily move on. “Handling it” might mean that they cry, or shout, or throw
their new backpack across the room. But they are handling it! They are surviving! They are
showing themselves that they can operate in a challenging situation. And sometimes, the best
way for a kid to learn that they can handle a situation is...to just handle it. We can talk about
taking deep breaths all day long, but ultimately, if kids are feeling really upset, they need to
work through their big feelings even when skills like deep breathing fail to occur to them in the
moment. It can be so hard to watch our kids feel uncomfortable. We can still remind ourselves
of a few things: “This will not last forever.” “What goes up must come down.” “Short term pain
for long term gain.” “This will teach them that they can handle big feelings.”
A Good Time for a Reset
The new school year can be a great time for a reset. Now is the perfect time to establish any
particular goals for your children in very clear terms and communicate new expectations. Is this
the year your child hangs up their coats by themselves? Picks out their snacks? Gets dressed
independently? Whatever the goal might be, set the expectations ahead of the new school
year. Be clear on what the goal is when you define it, and then role play it so you can feel
confident your child understands. Importantly, celebrate successes when they happen!
Reinforcing positive behaviors when they happen gives the best chance to increase the
behavior, so tell your children what you love about their behavior in specific terms: “Great job
hanging out your coat all by yourself!” “I love that you picked out your snacks and
remembered to pack them!” “Thank you for getting yourself dressed so quickly!” For children
who might need a little extra motivation, you can also use a reinforcement system to reward
not just their new behaviors and goals, but also their bravery in handling changes in a new
school year.
The Social Story Template
Social stories are a helpful tool to communicate change to children in terms that make sense to
them. I love to write social stories for my clients in anticipation of a new school year, to
understand expectations at camp, or to introduce them to new routines at home. I especially
love to use the framework of “Super Brave _____” and find images of superheroes that might
look like the child, or generate an image. It’s fun, playful, and kids love to see their names in
print and capes on their backs!
Click Here to find a Social Story Template you can use!
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Strategies derived from Eli Lebowitz’s Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions
(SPACE), Kazdin’s Parent Management Training (PMT), and Eyberg’s Parent-Child Interaction
Therapy (PCIT).
Maddy Clark is a clinical social worker and the Director of Parent Programs at Small Brooklyn
Psychology, located in Industry City in Brooklyn. She specializes in providing therapy to parents
supporting their anxious or disruptive children. If you’d like to learn more about the services
she provides, she can be reached at maddy@smallbrooklyn.com.